In the spirit of our new Insulter-in-Chief, I give Trump supporters my guide to making your visit to D.C. the greatest trip in the history of travel. Believe me, because I have the best words …
A lot of you Trump supporters will be coming here to our nation’s capital for the first time on Inauguration Day. You may find the District of Columbia an alien place in many ways so please allow me to give you my top do’s and don’ts to make the most out of your stay. Most of us locals hope it will be brief.
You will find an enormous stretch of pretty green grass in the heart of the city that runs through the middle of the Smithsonian museums between the U.S. Capitol and the Washington Monument. This is called the National Mall. It is not a front yard. Please do not park your vehicles on it.
Avoid visiting the Library of Congress. It is filled with books, knowledge and facts. You will be confused by this, get scared and may well suffer a panic attack.
You can leave your waterproof gear at home. Believe it or not, there is no swamp here – just countless people who care deeply about our country and who go to work every day performing largely thankless jobs that make our country great already.
Do make the time to tour the U.S. Capitol as it offers you a great chance to realize you should stop blaming D.C. for creating the swamp you perceive: All the perpetrators of the alleged misdeeds you proclaim to despise came here from YOUR states. You just re-hired all the very same officials who already had control of Congress and you’ve elected a man to the presidency who is filling his cabinet with the very same kinds of insiders he rebelled against. There’s only one “local” in Congress, by the way, and she isn’t even allowed to vote.
Your senators and representatives and their staffs work in offices across from the Capitol. Statistics show that you likely don’t know your district’s and state’s officials’ names so dropping by their legislative office buildings will give you time to find out who they are. When you soon realize neither they nor your hero are going to accomplish what they told you they would, or when they do and it goes horribly wrong, you’ll also know where you can send your complaints.
Don’t be alarmed when you hear locals shouting “On your left!” while you’re descending Metro escalators. This is not a political statement. It means you’re clogging up the escalator. Stand to the right so the rest of us can scurry down on the left. We have places to be.
If you choose to visit the National Archives, please be prepared for the shock of seeing the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution. Please examine them carefully. You will learn that neither document allows you to justify discriminating against African-Americans, lesbian/gay/bi-sexual and transgender Americans or any other Americans. We the people are all equal and we all possess the same rights.
You might as well bring as many of your Confederate flags and silly “Lock her up!” signs as you would like. Waving them around will make it harder for you to spot all the undocumented workers, Muslims and other people that you dislike and wish to ban from the country.
There’s no need for you to bring your guns, though. Thanks to the other candidates you have championed over the years, guns are in ample supply throughout America including here in Washington. If you wander in the wrong neighborhood and happen to get shot by a person wielding an assault rifle, especially one bought on the spot at a gun show without a background check, your family can look for your obituary in the Ironies section of the Washington Post.
Pay really close attention to the Lincoln Memorial when you visit. If you stand there long enough, you can see the 16th president shake his head every time you try to refer to your political party as “the party of Lincoln.” He knows, as do you, that nothing could be further from the actual truth. If anything, Lincoln would be a RINO today. He would certainly be ashamed of the Republican Party today.
For most Americans, sitting inside the Supreme Court is an awe-inspiring experience. If you’re ever lucky enough to observe the justices in action, you’ll see that they have dedicated their lives to the virtue of deliberation – objectively assessing and analyzing multiple points of view and voting for what’s genuinely best for the country. This is not something you’re familiar with so I’m not sure if I should recommend putting the Supreme Court on your itinerary.
Visiting the Newseum comes with several caveats you must consider beforehand. On the plus side for you, it honors the First Amendment, which is what gives you the right to say all the inaccurate things that you used to justify your vote for Trump. You should be grateful. On the other hand, you may be perplexed by the Newseum’s focus on the history of print and electronic communication. It turns out that gathering and reporting real, actual news is a skill practiced by people who believe seeking truth is a noble public service. You will be crestfallen when you realize that the overwhelming majority of real journalists are under-paid truth seekers who do not have a collective left-wing agenda. They instead take pride, often at personal sacrifice, to serve as watchdogs of democracy. Our country desperately needs these professionals to hold politicians accountable for their words and deeds.
There’s one other disconcerting aspect of visiting the Newseum. You can see the Canadian embassy from there. It will break your heart to realize that the embassy is not filled with Americans rushing to leave the country because your hero has been elected president. Hillary supporters and other progressive thinkers are staying right here. As the popular vote totals show, there are more of us than there are of you and we’re going to stay right here and fight like hell to make sure that you don’t return for another inauguration in four years.
Recent Comments